20 Reasons Why Rivetheads Are Unpopular

  1. They dress too cool for the local populace. How can those lovely people in adidas tops, or even Type O Negative t-shirts hope to obtain their standard? They dress like either a) homophobic Goths, b) refugees from 'Mad Max' or c) (and my personal preference) characters out of 'The Matrix'. Society responds by calling Rivetheads 'Freaks!', 'Morpheus!' or telling them that they look like Angel from 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer'. Fortunately these people often wake up in the hospital with nine one-inch nails stuck in their scalps.

  2. When someone drops some saucepans, they say, 'That sounded cool!'

  3. Second-hand car dealers do not trust people who claim that their car is worth more than the offered price, because it was hand built by Jesus.

  4. Most women do not find 'I want to fuck you like an animal' a particularly inviting chat-up line.

  5. Rivetheads will not accept that nobody else has heard of Pop Will Eat Itself.

  6. Most of them are closet Prodigy fans.

  7. When somebody calls them a 'fucker' or 'son-of-a-bitch' or 'cunt' in a club, they will respond by calling them a 'Filth Pig' and feel pretty pleased with themselves.

  8. Nobody likes somebody who sits in the corner of the club twitching and occasionally shouting 'Ding ding dang a dong a dong ding dong'.

  9. Very few of them actually have rivets for heads.

  10. They hang about with Goths way too much (though this is often against their will.)

  11. They think the Industrial 101 web site is funny.

  12. When asked to stick a mellow song on the stereo, they choose "The Fall" by Ministry. If they're feeling very mellow. Very mellow. Usually they'll just stick on some NIN remixes and start dancing like the Tasmanian Devil. If they request a mellow song, they will reject everything offered until "A Warm Place" is suggested.

  13. Very few of the actually have heads for rivets.

  14. They feel the same way about Rob Zombie that a Vietnam veteran feels about someone who wears combat trousers.

  15. They feel the same way about Trent Reznor that Christians do Jesus Christ.

  16. I don't care what they say; Jesus did not build their cars.

  17. No, he didn't.

  18. I spent all this time writing this, and most of them will only laugh at number eight.

  19. They say they'll give you twenty reasons why Rivetheads are unpopular, and then only give you nineteen.
Written by: Ian Harmer

Visitors Since 01/19/01
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