Industrial 101: Faking
By Colin Seymour

Q: I don't actually have to KNOW about this industrial stuff, do I?

A: No way, folks! Everybody knows that to make people THINK you're industrial is easy! Why spend meaningless days hunting down a lousy import EP? Why bother ordering arcane CDs from hole-in-the-wall independent distributors? Why do all this, when its so much easier to just LOOK like you do?

Q: But how?

A:Simple! There are a series of steps to the process, but keep in mind that this is NOT A GRADUAL PROCESS! Thats right! You can act like a real RRRRRivethead overnight! Just follow these quick and easy steps:

Part I: Appearance

-Buy Nine Inch Nails:The Downward Spiral (earlier albums are optional, but are a nice touch.)

-Buy Marilyn Manson:Antichrist Superstar (I know you're saying, 'What about the other Manson albums?' Don't worry, kids. They're all the same!)

-Buy at least three T-shirts from the following: NIN, Marilyn Manson, Ministry (black only)

-Buy black jeans (To sag or not to sag?)

-Buy 'Nam boots (There's probably a place by your home called a 'Military Surplus Store'. Go there. It ALL looks scary!)

-Now paint fingernails black, and dye hair black (already black? Do it anyway!)

-Get at least 2 car stickers for NIN or Manson and place them just next to the 'Mean People Suck' sticker.

-Write NIN at least twice on your "Trapper Keeper".

Part II: Attitude

-Memorize and practice the following phrases:

"Trent Reznor is SOOO deep."
"You're just mad 'cause you're not a REAl freak!"
*** "You can't understand."
"OOOO! The new video's on MTV!"
"They are TOO industrial!"
"Trent is God."
"Take back what you said about Trent, or I'll kill you."
"We're just different!"
"I want to (expletive deleted) you like an animal."

-Act REALLY depressed all the time. Cry for no good reason.

-Don't forget to glower at those who "Couldn't understand".

-Two words: Bodily Mutilation!

Part III: Miscellaneous

-Don't forget to buy every magazine or poster featuring your favorite "Industrial" "Artist". Remember, true fans collect! (didja see A.P.?!?!)

-Don't be afraid to threaten (don't worry, they'll back down! Remember: YOU'RE SCARY NOW!)

See now, kids, isn't that easy! Now EVERYONE will see how different, disenfranchised and downright aggressive you are!

Q:But if I'm not really industrial, how can I be Elitist?

A: Simple! As long as you PERCIEVE yourself to be really different and "Underground"(we'll learn that term in a later lesson), then you can act accordingly. Go on, folks, look down your nose at everybody! They're all just sheep!

One last note: Don't ever let anyone call you 'Poseur'. They just can't understand the depth of your feelings. They just don't understand.

Visitors Since 11/15/97
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