How to justify your Rivetness, to the Unchosen ones



Not everyone can be graced with the champagne lifestyle commonly shared among gearheads, electro nuts, and clap-on-clap-off kids. Ever had the feeling that you felt to have to justify yourself to those obsessed with songs about sports and oppression, driven by 3 generic chords? Well you don't. But it is extremely fun.

How many times have you tried to explain your sub-culture to some fool drowned in the thought that a synth is not a *REAL* instrument? I myself have undergone this scenario many a time. I've found that there are numerous successful methods of handling it. Give some of these a try.

Option #1. Explain to your friend that the industrial culture revolves around people with bad twitches. (Make sure to blink, shake, and drool continuously while explaining) Tell he/she that you, and the music you love, revolves around an obsession with banging on shit and playing with keyboards and computers, because you've found that your KORG gives you a better erection than your last girlfriend. You may want to stress the 3-year mandatory period in an insane asylum in belgium, which includes mastering the knowledge of useless philosophers that should inherently influence your avant garde style of life. ( Make sure you keep drooling!!!) Concluding the discussion, demonstrate your love for the genre by going into convulsions on the floor, while singing HEADHUNTER at the top of your lungs. They will have learned their lesson. WARNING: If for some reason, you upset the person you are explaining the situation to, and they insult you...be sure to tell them they have been put under the Curse of Zoth Ommog. 99% chance is that they wont know what the hell are you talking about. At this point, vacate the area by skipping on one foot and playing drums with your head on any near by walls.

Option #2. This is a more conservative approach to justifying your culture. Explain to your foe or friend, that rock and roll is a conspiracy by the Cuban government, and the industrial movement is a cult of computer geeks working on the master plan to venquish the planet from derivative mind aching drivel. If you want to get creative, make business cards, fake programming codes, etc. (Even if you don't smoke, make sure to have at least 4 lit cigarettes in your mouth during this entire conversation) Begin to chant a strange string of foreign text, while urinating on a picture of Fidel Castro. Teach your friend or foe the secret industrial hand shake, which concludes with the mystical "Picking up the change" dance. At this point you should pull out a carving knife, and threaten to carve voodoo imagery into the person's arm, if they do not immediately conform to your ideals. Explain that being in a militia takes commitment, and the Grand High Richard H. Kirk is watching your every move. Finally, attempt to convince the person that John F. Kennedy was the first Rivethead, and his death was the result of Castro, and his efforts to destroy the beginning of industrial culture. If the person does not believe you, pull out your carving knife and stab he/she repeatedly, while singing "Join in the Chant."

Option #3. This final method of handling the ignorance of those not enjoying our champagne lifestyle, is pure violence. Get a membership to a local gym or exercise facility, and begin training. Rent Kung Fu movies, and tapes of old wrestling shows, and practice your moves. It may be convenient to kidnap a local raver for punching bag purposes, as you will be more likely to enjoy the tedious training process, if you are kicking a candy boy's ass. Upon completion of this, make your way to any Home Depot, HQ, or Lowe's, and purchase a trademark of your choice. Nuts, bolts, industrial strength chains are all good choices. (You will soon see the purpose of these). Now you are ready, return to your apartment, and play your music as loud as you can, with hopes of disturbing all around you. The second someone knocks on your door and says something about the terrible music, break their nose. Kick the person repeatedly until they bleed profusely. After you feel they have had an adequate beating, throw one of your newly purchased trademarks in their mouth, turn them over, and curb them on a concrete stair well (railings work well too). Spray paint EBM across the person's back, and leave them their for their putrid death. Repeat these steps as much as possible, and remember to gather all your pleasure into one massive rush of industriality, which you will use to impress the spider web goth bitches at your local club that night, during the DJ's spinning of "DIG IT."

If you test all of these methods, and have been successsful, I want to hear the stories As an accomplished lunatic, I feel it necessary to share in the bond with you all. This is your family, and hatred is your family value!!

This entire document was meant in good fun, and if you have any problems with it, address them to me. Zach



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Last Modified: Monday, 24-Sep-2012 16:42:58 MST