National Geographic Explorer Presents: The Rivethead



Hello there, and welcome to a special edition of national geographic explorer, where we’ve gone to great lengths to find only the wildest, fiercest, and most dangerous animals known to man kind for your glorious viewing pleasure.

On today’s episode we’ve strayed off the beaten path of alligators, rhinoceros’s and dung beetles for a short moment to follow a rather peculiar species of carnivore indigenous to various area’s of Europe, Russia, Canada and north America. Today we’ll be following a male Rivethead (Riv-itt-hed for the phonetically imbalanced.) and his clan. From what we can attest from many hours of on-site study, the Rivethead is a very dangerous creature, hints at having cranial malignancies and to frighten it’s enemies, it can begin to storm around in circles and grunt a lot before it begins to do self-harm and chew on it’s own arms. We were lucky enough to see one outside of a hardware store, so we took our chances of being dismembered and shot him full of tranquilizer darts. After being bound and gagged, we placed a transmitter on his ear, (the Male Rivethead would more than likely mistaken this piece of equipment for home-made jewelry and never notice Anyways.) and sent him back into the wilds to watch and trace his every movement with some of the finest pieces of tracking technology one could get our hands on.

This is a log of our findings:

08:00 : The beast is tossed out of bed by an elder rivethead, which on a side note seem to have lost all their tell-tale markings and mannerisms in it’s maturation process, as well as shed it’s emotional disturbances and elitist attitude. The Rivethead underling, who has taken the name of cevin (outside influences by something called “Download” may have incited this) dresses in a black pair of cargo shorts with a chain belt, a Front 242 shirt and the most threatening pair of boots ever seen, applies black eye liner and some twelve pounds of neck jewelry and arm gauntlets, spikes up a dyed black mohawk and heads downstairs.

08:35 : Parental Figures stand in bewilderment when Cevin the Rivethead is found staring at the washing machine with a sad, thoughtful look in his eyes. He reaches a hand out and smoothly runs his hand over the aluminum shell. Some dialogue is detected: “It’ll be alright, you’ll see…We don’t need the others, we’ll get along just fine…Just you and me.”

08:45 : Cevin jumps into a small Japanese import (‘Japanese is always better’ cevin has been noted to claim) with a broken muffler and peels out of the family driveway, making onlookers wonder if the god awful noises are coming from the outside or the inside of the car.

08:58 : The car pulls up alongside of a lowrider convertible. The huge, fat vato’s and their girlfriends look over at Cevin and start laughing at the transmitter on his ear. Cevin reaches in back of the car and pulls out a staple gun, firing a few rounds at the passengers of the car. The vato’s chicks start screaming as silicon starts leaking from their blouses. A staple lands right smack on one vato’s nose, and a whole squadron of staples hits the drivers hair net, permanently attaching it to his head. Cevin turns up the last couple minutes of “Predator” by front-line assembly, laughs like a maniac and tears off down the road with his staple gun waving out the window leaving the car load of Mexicans screaming in confusion.

09:10 : The Rivethead pulls into the school parking lot, disrupting chatter by a horde of cheerleaders. He gets out and growls at them before slinking off into the building, entering the school you find a huge scratch running down the wall as he strides past it with a screw driver.

09:30 : The rivethead is now in homeroom. As most of the students either try to ignore him or watch with fascination as he keeps drawing some strange looking V shape across his notebook paper, laying his head down and lifting it again to stare at the other students, and muttering something in German, the teacher passes out the class assignment. Cevin looks down at it; a picture of Thomas Jefferson looks up at him with jaded eyes. His assignment is simple, group together with three other students and discuss the qualities of a fine president. The other three students who were made to work with him sit down in a desk cluster and start brain storming without him, little do they know that Cevin already has the assignment complete, he just hasn’t written any of it down yet. before leaving the class for second period, cevin does some doodling on his paper and leaves it on his desk. The teacher comes by to see Thomas Jefferson transformed into some sort of goatee and cowboy hat sporting madman with shades. A caption of “Jesus Built my Hotrod” accompanies it.

12:17 : Some poor idiot has crawled onto the roof of the school, dressed head to foot in black and has started shooting up the schools court yard. Cheerleaders and jocks start dropping. Cevin looks up the wall of the science building and watches the kid with the machine gun. Although the idea of shooting the student body has it’s good points, he then notices the trench coat and starts chucking rocks at the trench-coated student, knocking him unconscious and causing his drop from the top of the roof to the ground. Gestures of gratitude and thanks are repelled by some insistent mutterings about “no-good poseur shouldn’t have ripped off my style.”

15:45 : After six other classes, the Rivethead is free to run amok, but one thing stop his as he leaves. Something forbidden and grossly despised by him. A color. Two, maybe three colors. All neon. All glowing. Cevin jumps behind a bush and watches his prey far across the parking lot. It has short hair, baggy plastic pants, lots of stupid plastic trinkets around it’s neck and a big yellow smiling face on it’s T-shirt. He watches it move, talk…dance. It’s a Raver. Dinner time. He sneaks ever so skillfully across the parking lot, around cars, under them, over them, until the Raver is only a mere twenty feet away. He watches it’s movement carefully; the Raver is throwing pixxisticks around, dancing and laughing, playing with some jacks and liquid dancing. Cevin creeps ever so carefully from behind a truck, but it’s too late, he accidentally steps on a Pixxistick and it makes a crackling noise under his boot. The Raver looks up and screams with terror. Cevin leaps out from behind the truck, chanting his Claus Larsen Hunting mantra; “Kill a Raa-verr, kill a Raa- verr!!!” and chases the poor Raver down the parking lot and around the gym. the Raver tries running down to the football field, but trips in it’s baggy pants and falls. The Poor Wounded Raver cries in bewilderment, “Here! Take my X! don’t hurt me, please!” but Cevin disdains ecstasy and pounds his boot heels into the Raver’s head repeatedly, chewing off the Raver’s glowing jewelry, sucking the Raver’s blood and skull-fucking the remains till he senses danger and hurries back to his car and races away. The Sun begins to set.

18:34 : The Rivethead has only a few minutes before he has to get dressed and head out to the local Rivet-club, so he finds some raw meat in the fridge and scarf’s it down with some vodka. Cevin paints his fingernails and puts on a storm trooper hat to go with his neo- nazi costume, complete with Jack boots and puffy officers pants. He phones up some other Rivetheads and offers to pick them up. On the way out of the house, he takes a moment of reflection to look at the Washing machine.

19:00 : Cevin stops in front of a house and picks up a group of evil looking goons dressed in Skinny Puppy shirts. They carry duffel bags full of chains and saws. Off to the dance club.

19:20 : Cevin and the carload of creep’s pull up in front of a warehouse with similar groups of weirdoes hanging in front of it. inside is the club, a huge concave of maniacs, drug dealers, computer whiz’s and scantly clad chicks in bondage-ware who got lost on the way to the genatorturers gig. Passing through the mass of people, in a spread-out circle are two little mansonites with their Manson T- shirts and fake black hair and mislaid foundation. Cevin takes one look and laughs up a storm, while the others grunt and giggle with glee. The mansonites speak: “are you him?” they ask. Cevin looks at the others with a knowing look and grab up the mansonites and jump into the moshpit full of Samoans & skinheads thrashing around to an unseen DJ spinning a Klute record. Somewhere in the mess the mansonites arms are torn off and their heads tossed into a nearby trash can. Cevin and his band of Rivetheads tear across the dance floor like a group of river-dancers on angel dust, beating, kicking and biting people in a slam-dance nightmare dreamscape from hell. The fat-ass Net.Goths are found, attacked and thrown on the floor, dirtying their over-sized corsets and waistcoats enough to cause a fit of hysteria to break out -- several drunk bouncers come by to finish beating the shit out of them.

21:00 : The rivetheads all leave the club and Cevin returns home to his beloved Washing machine. Sometime in the early morning his parents are awaken by the sounds of a heavy machine bouncing up and down on the floor with moans of pleasure following close behind.

If any of YOU have spotted a Rivethead in your area, give me a ring, I'd LOVE to document it in action!!!

Written by: Nicholas Christopher Leur



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Last Modified: Monday, 24-Sep-2012 16:42:45 MST