How to Date A Non Rivethead

(Without resorting to murder or celibacy)



Since the Industrial scene is mainly fueled by testosterone, a rivethead girlfriend is a commodity far rarer than that a;GRUMH twelve inch you found in the 99 cent bin last week. Since there are only three rivethead girls in any given large american city (Four in New Jersey; it must be the air), there will come a time when you will either have to steal your keyboard player's woman, or date a (horror) NON RIVETHEAD. I will now outline a few techniques to achieve this.

By the way, for any rivethead girls who are reading this, admit it: you KNOW you can find a rivethead boy with the greatest of ease. He may be an idiot, but he's out there!!!

  1. Try dating a goth girl. You may not like her taste in music, but she won't look at you like a mutant when you say "So, you just slip into this vinyl corset while I get ready to go down to Paradise Lost. Dammit, where's my bondage pants!!!!" And, she'll probably let you bite her!! Besides, heterosexual males are about as common in the goth scene as females are in Industrial circles. Of course, you will have to deal with the incessant drama queen antics, her obnoxious friends with names like Shadow or Ariel, her overly pretentious CD collection and her militant vegetarianism, but it could be worse: She could be a hippie.

  2. O.K. so the goth thing didn't work out. You meet a girl in a normal bar, (the beer is too expensive at the Batcave, so you go get trashed first) and she seems kind of nice. The problem is that she was wearing a Pearl Jam shirt. Yuck. Anyway, you got her number, and now you're wondering what to do. RULE #1-- Warn her right away what you are and what you're into. When she says "What's Industrial music?", tell her it's the sound of angry Belgians having a fight with a washing machine. Whatever you do, make sure she knows that when you invite her to a show, there's a good chance that she will be showered with synthetic dog guts. An open minded alternative girl is one of the best kinds of women a rivethead can get involved with. Try to find common ground: my girlfriend is into Bush (*cringe*), so when she puts them on, I request that she play the remix album: proof positive that unlike most people, Jack Dangers CAN polish a turd. Most alternative girls will have at least one NIN or Ministry album. Those will become your life preserver at her apartment. Just try not to make too much fun of her music, she's sensitive about it, and remember: it could be worse: She could be a hippie.

  3. The hip -hop fan. This is a tough one. I don't know how you met her, or what you think you have in common, but this one is tricky. Leave your :WUMPSCUT: CDs home when you visit her, she'll just tell you to turn off that weird stuff. If you want to play her some music, but you don't want to fight, try Meat Beat Manifesto, Consolidated, the Emergency Broadcast Network and that Ministry song with the hip hop guy on it. If anyone gets this one to work, let me know, and don't forget: it could be worse: She could be a hippie.

  4. Punk rock girl? Not a problem. If anyone understands what it is to be marginal and weird looking, it's our brethren and sistren the punk rockers. Just refrain from having the "guitars suck" conversation, and you'll do fine. Try listening to Atari Teenage Riot together, they're abrasive and synthetic enough to be Industrial, but underproduced enough to be punk.

  5. The hippie, the Raver, the Backstreet Boys fan. Just buy a magazine and some Vaseline. It's just not worth it.

  6. The Pineapple Head dating guide can be found here
Remember, this is only a guide, and I welcome feedback.

Chris Boring



Last Modified: Monday, 24-Sep-2012 16:42:38 MST